what it’s like

every couple of days, I think about quitting.

what’s that saying? never quit on your worst day?

i knew it would be difficult. but i didn’t think it would be this hard. i’ve always gotten by on my hard work, my ability to deal with people and get things done, and my instincts. i didn’t think working under a different manager would make me feel so… small. and unappreciated. and frustrated. and flip-the-pool insane. i feel like if i don’t fall in line soon, i’ll pay for it come evaluation time. and yet, i don’t know how. the way he wants things done feels wrong. against common sense, even. i used to know where i should be, what i should be doing. i knew my priorities. i knew what had to get done and how to get it done. now i just don’t know anymore.

i actually used to like going to work for the most part. now i dread it. i sit in the parking lot sometimes and think about just… continuing to sit. i think about what might happen if i drove to work and then just kept… driving. i self-medicate with Starbucks. retail therapy. i tell myself I deserve it, and that i need it to face the day. i didn’t use to. it isn’t right, and i see it, and i don’t know how to stop.

one of the only good things that came out of me going back to work is, oddly, having to commute there. i used to walk to work – seven minutes tops. then we moved, and then my job moved. and there was no way i could take transit and teapot to my parents’ place. so after almost two decades (yep) of not driving (not having to drive), developing a full-blown fear of driving, getting over it, getting back behind the wheel, i sort of drive now. good life skill.

can i stop now?

 

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